Feeling Unsettled

A friend of mine recently asked about the adjustment to life in London and commended me for making such a big move while simultaneously attempting a masters degree. As I thought about her question I realized that, as a flight attendant, I was constantly adjusting to new schedules, new surroundings, new colleagues, new procedures, and last minute changes. Nothing ever stayed the same. Even at home my suitcase was never completely empty and lay open on my bedroom floor, sometimes lost under piles of clothes, but always waiting for the next trip to the airport.

In the one year that Jonathan and I spent in Calgary since getting married and moving in together, we never did find the time to fully unpack. In fact, it took us roughly 5 months to make the slightest dent in the piles of ratty cardboard boxes stacked along two of our living room walls. After 5 months one wall was nearly clear, but the other wall never became the vacant space we hoped for. Our little apartment never quite felt like home.

Settled is not something I’ve felt for a long time so perhaps its not surprising that I didn’t feel “unsettled” when we made the move to London. Feeling settled is not something I’ve come to expect, and this realization makes me feel a little sad. I think there’s much to be said for pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone, but what happens when you don’t have a comfort zone from which to push beyond and every day is filled with a sense of insecurity?

Currently, our days are a little more structured, especially now that Jonathan is working during the day. We have regularly scheduled events like class, church, small group, volunteering, and the marriage course. But the future, at this point is uncertain. I’m not sure what will come once I’ve completed my degree and I’m starting to question if this unsettled feeling is something that I carry inside of me. I wonder if I might live in the same place for a long time, end up in a job with a very regular routine, and continue to feel unsettled. The idea of adjusting to new places and new situations seems, at this point, to be the norm and, I must confess, I’m longing to feel a bit more settled.

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